RELATIONSHIPS & PERSONAL GROWTH
Stepping Stones To An Effective Apology
A sincere apology is not a magic word. It is a journey of responsibility, regret, repentance and restoration.
The meal that takes hours, and minutes
Whenever a delicious dish is served to me, I finish it within no time. I usually take 5–15 minutes to finish my meal. After each good and satisfying meal, I tell my family members, “It takes so much time to prepare a meal, but we finish it within 5 or 10 minutes.”
Let’s calculate the time of preparation of a delicious meal from the very beginning—going to the market for buying vegetables, meat, spices, rice, etc., which takes around 30 minutes. Then chopping them into the right pieces and washing them clean, which takes around, say, 15 minutes. Then marinating the meat or veggies for another 30 minutes… Then cooking the meal takes another 15-30 minutes… Garnishing and serving take another 5 minutes… The total time taken to prepare a good and delicious meal is usually from 1½ to 2 hours. And I finish that same meal within 15 minutes, maximum.
An apology is that kind of meal that is offered by the person who has done wrong, who takes a lot of time to prepare it to make it presentable, acceptable, and satisfiable for the receiver who has been wronged.
Why “Sorry” is not a magic word
The word ‘Sorry’ is taught to toddlers as a magic word for apologizing. Yeah, that’s true... it’s a magic word for toddlers only. Kids don’t understand the gravity and they need to be made to understand with the words they are acquainted with, and magic is quite a catchy word for them. But in the real sense of it, an apology is not at all a magic word but a painstaking expression and action of a person which is offered wholeheartedly to another person.
I will share an experience that a family member went through in her school. There was a teacher who asked her to get out of the classroom rudely for some reason without her fault. She was extremely hurt and approached the higher authorities. The matter was dismissed when that teacher apologized by saying sorry. But she still remembers that. She definitely has forgiven the teacher who was rude to her, but the hurt was there as a memory. They are not toddlers; they are adults, and just an insensitive ‘Sorry’ has no magic in it to restore the relationship or friendship, whatever it was.
How then should an apology look? What are the stepping stones to present an effective apology so that the hurt feeling can be erased from the heart?
The six components of a good apology
I was reading an article lately on Psychology Today, my favorite web journal. That article talks about a study that discovered six components of a good apology. They are:
- 1.Acceptance of Responsibility.
- 2.Offer of Repair.
- 3.Expression of Regret.
- 4.Explanation of what went wrong.
- 5.Declaration of Repentance.
- 6.Request for Forgiveness.
I arranged the points or steps exactly as the study explains. But I have compressed the whole idea into three very easy steps:
- 01
Remembering & Regretting about the PAST
- 02
Realizing & Repenting in the PRESENT
- 03
Requesting & Recuperating for the FUTURE
Let’s discuss them one by one…
1. Remembering & Regretting about the PAST
I usually get irritated when my mistake is reminded. I say, ‘The past is past... forget it.’ But it won’t be forgotten unless I have regretted it and owned my mess to clean up. My apology is not meant to silence the person who’s hurt but a reminder of my past mistake.
Accepting responsibility is the number one and the most important of all in this category. Accepting that I have made a mistake and making it clear that I am at fault opens up the gate to communicate with the person who is hurt by me. We should always be careful about the ‘BUT or Excuses in Apology’ as warned by Avinash, a friend in his article.
The article that I had read on PT gives an example of two statements which I want to state here for all of us to learn – say, “I’m sorry I said hurtful things” rather than saying, “I’m sorry if you were hurt by my words.”
Accepting responsibility is like garnishing and the smell of the meal a host offers to a guest. It is the act to confirm that I remember what I did, regret what I did in the past, and am ready to be held responsible for it fully.
2. Realizing & Repenting in the PRESENT
I want to quote another article where the writer mentions the language of apology. I think that aligns with the expression of regret, which is as important as realizing and repenting, and has to be undertaken by the defaulter one after the other in the present time when he or she is standing in front of the wronged. One should apologize only if he or she genuinely realizes their wrongdoings. The language of apology or the expression of remorse is well extended only after a true realization.
Secondly, we all know that wrongs can’t be corrected, scars can’t be made clean later, and damage can’t be undone. But they can always be minimized, comforted, made up, or bound up by offering repair. It can be done by writing an apology, clarifying things with the people involved in the damage caused by my words towards the person who was hurt, or paying compensation, and so on. Repair can be done only by a true repentant.
3. Requesting & Recuperating for the FUTURE
A reconciliation or restoration of a relationship is possible when our apology is accepted by the person who was hurt by us, but unfortunately, this is not within our control, as it solely depends on the other person. However, an effective apology always requires the defaulter to ask for forgiveness from the person against whom the wrong was done. When we face denial, our ego may challenge us to take a step back and stop thinking of bending down to complete the whole act of apology and reconcile the strained relationship, but we should remember to own the mess by taking responsibility for our wrongs.
In conclusion, I just want to state that everyone commits sins and makes mistakes, so everyone should seek forgiveness, but we should always apologize at the right time – as early as possible. My friend, Kalpana Nookala, writes in one of her articles how she lost the opportunity to apologize to her father because she didn’t do that before it was too late.
So, friends, before it's too late, let’s move our feet on those slippery and difficult stepping stones to complete the process of a true and effective apology and restore our friendship/relationship. The Bible says,
“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
If our confession is true, then our apology will be effective.
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